🔹Sorry to bother you…
🔹Sorry, you may not agree but…
🔹Sorry to ask yet another question…
There are, of course, situations when we genuinely want to apologise for something - we all make mistakes, get things wrong, maybe inadvertently upset someone in some way – and an acknowledgement and apology in these situations can be very appropriate and useful.
The word ‘sorry’ in those 3 opening statements, however, is not useful.
🔹Why apologise for wanting to connect with someone?
🔹Why apologise for having an opinion?
🔹Why apologise for being interested and curious?
It’s subtle, but don’t under-estimate the impact of the many subtle messages you input to your subconscious. By over-using the word ‘sorry’ you’re slowly dripping in negative feedback which eats away at your confidence, even though you’re likely to be unaware of this on a day-to-day basis. In fact, as with most habits, you probably don’t even notice yourself doing it.
Which brings me onto the first thing to do to address this:
𝘕𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦
Do a mini-audit:
Listen out for it, in your own speech or you may find it initially easier to notice in others (I can assure you that there are many of us who fall foul of this linguistic faux pas) - you could consider buddying up with someone you trust and doing a reciprocal audit
Look out for it, both retrospectively to give yourself an idea of how much you tend to use it – look over old emails/messages etc – and prospectively going forward (& then re-word, as discussed below).
𝘗𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦
The next step is to take a pause when you feel it on the tip of your tongue and ask yourself:
Is this something which warrants a genuine apology?
If not, what am I wanting to communicate, and how else could I do that?
𝘙𝘦-𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥
For example, alternatives to the initial statements could look like:
🔹I would like to speak to you about…
🔹My thoughts are...
🔹I would like to understand more about…
Other openers which can be useful include ‘excuse me’ or ‘thank you’.
Which brings me onto my final point and example.
If you’re looking to diversify or change your career and are in the exploratory stage, one of the first things which I would always encourage you to do is to go and get people’s stories. Focused, of course – not any old story (interesting though these may be!) – but the stories of those working in an area which you think may be of interest to you. And later you're likely to be having more formal conversations.
It is worth being aware that, as well as impacting your own sense of confidence by frequent use of ‘sorry’ when it’s not a genuine ‘sorry’ situation, it can also diminish someone else’s confidence in you.
So, when you're having these conversations:
❎ Sorry to take up your time
✅ Thank you for your time
As with any habit change, this will all take practice – be patient with yourself, kind to yourself when you go back into auto-pilot, anticipate some discomfort which will get easier with time, and make a note and celebrate each time you notice, take a pause and come up with a more confidence-enhancing response.
Good luck!